Since nobody's looking right now I'm blogging for my own sanity. Actually, I'm sure that Jess still checks up every once in a while...but...still....
No talk of work. No talk of dogs. Just talk.
I need to start playing piano more. I don't really know what happened to me, but I've completely stopped. I used to like to...now I have found too many excuses to not do it. It's funny how I work in a music store, got a music degree, but hardly call myself musical anymore. Hell, even in the car I just listen to sports talk radio. I should be in a band again. Mike Langhoff, the old drummer of Johnnyrook, wants to start a studio side project with me. I told him I would...but will I? Will I find some stupid excuse to not do it? Maybe.
My mom called this morning. I didn't call her back. Why do I do that?
I think about Haiti a lot still. I keep hearing about refugees that are trying to get over here in small boats and the toils that come along with that. I want to take a boat back over. If I could drop everything I would start sailing the opposite direction. I dream about the place probably twice a month. Vivid dreams. Dreams where I'm back at Wings of Hope. The kids remember me, I speak fluent creole and somehow I feel complete again. Maybe someday I'll convince Jessie to join me in dropping everything and we'll just go. If you ever call the phone and all it says is "We did it", well, we did it.
Thinking of church literally makes me sick to my stomach and twists me in knots. I think I really despise the Christian community. I wonder sometimes if that's a sin. I still believe with all my heart, and it's not like the church has scarred me beyond repair (maybe my college did that job)...I just don't relate. At all. Not even to "hip" churches I'm supposed to relate to. I still think I'm a devoted Christian...however, I get scared sometimes. If you ever read this Brad- call me.
Me/You
- Marty
- Minnesnowta
- I remember in Kindergarten as I waited for the bus to pick me up after a grueling morning of hard work as an AM Kindergartner, looking at all the glue eating, pants wetting, sniveling kids who were getting off the bus to go to PM Kindergarten. Up to this point us kids were all on an equal playing surfaces, but it was at this moment I realized something: the world could be divided into two classes: AM and PM Kindergartners. To this day I pity those poor kids whose parents made the fatal mistake of making them go to PM Kindergarten. Upon talking to a lot of my fellow AM'ers we all seem to agree, AM Kindergartners seem to have "it". PM'ers, well, just were always about three hours behind.
4 comments:
you are on my igoogle rss feed, so I saw this right away...
i don't really know how to respond to your blog, because it seems so personal, but i wanted to say that i think i am right there with you on the church thing (and that we are not the only ones who feel that way.) it scares me too. I try not to think about it.
You probably should play piano more. not for "shoulds" but because it might make you sane. Or happy. This is different, but I don't sing anymore. And it makes me sad. And guilty. It was something I loved. I think that people need to be able to take more time to do things that they love. Its the only way we will make it.
ps. if you ever call your mom, tell her I am sorry I never responded to her email. I am lazy
pps. I miss you. Come to Chicago.
Yeah, I'm wondering why you didn't call, too... grrr!!!
It's nice to hear from you again. I enjoy getting a glimpse into your head. Thanks for the post
If you want to be even more lonely than you already are, go to church, because it is a sure place where you will never feel like you can be your true authentic self. We are usually judgmental, morally superior fakers. I don't usually feel like I fit in at any church (so I usually can't stand going), but I have this dilemma: I still like Jesus a lot. So now what do I do? I believe in you (your faith and belief) if it ever feels like no one else does.
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